she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
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