I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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