I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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