What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
