She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
