remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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