just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
