And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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