Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
that may or may not have been my penis.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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