Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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