New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
