u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
