I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I have aggressive nipples.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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