instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Randomize
