well you can't waste a boner
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Holy shit dude........stairs
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
