fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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