There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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