My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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