I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
