Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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