Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
