I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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