i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
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