wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
