why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
