Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
