How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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