just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
3 2 1 whiskey
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
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