i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Randomize
