i think my tv is drunk
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
She bit a glass in half.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
