What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
