I could have mohawked her pubes.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
