I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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