I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Randomize
