Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
