NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Randomize
