if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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