this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
