yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
