What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
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