You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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