watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
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