Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Randomize
