I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
