sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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