Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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