I want to make a zoo with you.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
