A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
My life is pants optional.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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