Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
