shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
