I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
