Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
