Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Randomize
